


February 1, 2017

by LaChatteNoire



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, Grief/Mourning, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-06
Updated: 2013-09-06
Packaged: 2017-12-25 19:46:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/956923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaChatteNoire/pseuds/LaChatteNoire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On what would have been Harry Styles’s 23rd birthday, Niall Horan breaks the silence to sit down for an interview regarding the accident that ended the lives of two band members and, ultimately, One Direction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	February 1, 2017

_Thank you so much for meeting with us. It’s an honor. We hope you and the others are doing well. Is…there a reason why Liam and Zayn have consistently declined to speak and you chose to?_

We all talked about it, and they said that they weren’t ready to talk about it yet. Still too many bad memories. I’m still grieving too, but we thought it would be for the best if I did the interview; if we were together, we would probably just cry throughout it. And, I want people to know the truth; in the past year, we’ve heard every variation of the story possible, most of them based on twisted words and outright lies. We didn’t want the misinterpretations to continue.

 

_Alright. Then, can you tell me what you remember about that day?_

I can’t remember much, to be honest. The only thing I really remember is hearing the crash and rushing to Harry’s side. We were meeting with our managers, who wanted to talk about how we were acting lately. Honestly, we weren’t acting any differently than we used to; just us being ourselves. Whatever we were talking about, Harry got so upset that he had to leave the office.

We went after him, and Louis managed to go into the elevator with him. Liam, Zayn, and I thought that Louis would be most effective at calming Harry down if we let the two be alone. When we got out of the elevator, we found Louis turning away from the doors and coming back towards us. He was barely holding back tears and scowling. We saw Harry heading towards the street.

There were cars parked along the street, placing Harry barely out of our sight, so none of us saw the car until it hit. We ran outside, found him a few meters away from where he last stood. The driver had gotten out of his car to help, Louis just pushed him away. Harry…we saw the jagged ends of his bones poking out from his knee, his body twisted all wrong, there was almost a halo of red pooling around his head from the blood. But, he was still alive. His eyes…

 

_What about his eyes?_

They were…I can’t even begin to describe it. At first, they were wide with fear; when he tried to talk with us, all we heard was a soft gurgling sound come from his mouth. I knelt at Harry’s side, took his hand. Louis had begun shouting, for emergency, for an ambulance, for a doctor, and I wanted to join him but it felt like my throat was packed with sand. I felt like a spectator, watching a horrifying death scene. I saw the moisture from Harry’s eyes streak down his temples, and I started crying hysterically; I closed off, couldn’t hear or see anything.

Next thing I know, Liam was grabbing Louis by his elbows, pulling him away from Harry. Louis had begun hitting Harry to try and get a reaction out of him, to prove to everyone that he was still alive. Zayn was leaning over Harry, whispering, stuff like ‘are you okay’ and a lot of things I couldn’t make out over the noise of the rain and the pedestrians. Zayn turned and grabbed me, saying that Harry wants to see each of us. His eyes were calmer this time, I didn’t know what to say, and I couldn’t help it; I felt so sick I pulled away. Liam put on the bravest face, saying things like the ambulance would be there soon, told Harry to hold on. Louis was shaking when he leaned over Harry. And Harry became so happy and relaxed when he saw Louis, managing a smile. I saw Harry’s face suddenly become frozen and slack. Louis was still talking to Harry when I reached over and gently shut his eyes. 

What we found out later at the hospital was that the trauma he had sustained rendered him beyond help; they were actually more surprised that he didn’t die instantly.

 

_What was the most difficult part immediately after his death?_

I think it definitely was, having to tell his family. We felt like we betrayed them, that they had trusted their son with us and…

We wanted to do it in person, but, you know, twitter beat us to it. It blew up, some people even got it on tape. We got a frantic call from Anne, it was to my phone, and I answered it. The first thing she said, “Tell me it isn’t true.” I had to say, “I can’t.” Anne couldn’t stop crying, Gemma started hyperventilating at one point and Liam and Louis couldn’t calm her down for almost an hour.

Then, we had to go out to the crowd and announce it. Liam tried to be tactical about it, trying to ease into the topic, but Louis wouldn’t have any of it. He got up, pushed Liam out of the way, and, as if he was forcing it out of himself, said: “Harry is dead. It was a car accident, a collision. He passed away before we could even get him to the hospital.” And then he disappeared inside before anyone could ask more of it; we followed him. We wouldn’t have been able to say anything more either.

_What did you think of the reaction, from the fans, from friends, and everyone else?_

The fans and everyone were really wonderful, sweet and sympathetic. When we decided to cancel quite a few of our appearances over the first few months, they all kept telling us, over and over, don’t apologize. They were respectful, nobody disrupted the funeral or anything, and people visiting his grave didn’t do anything crazy. They were tweeting, emailing, writing letters, doing almost everything imaginable to show their condolences to us; we all felt their love, and are so glad for it.

When we issued them a refund for their concert tickets, they instead put together a charity; the Harry Styles fund, keeping music stores alive, helping small-time bands and singers record and release albums, offering scholarships to conservatories and music-related schooling.

But, despite everything that happened, we still had an image to uphold. That’s what everyone told us, anyways, and so they decided that the best way for us to cope was to separate us for a month, which I think was their first mistake.

 

_How did you spend that month?_

Me? I went home, let myself wallow for the first week; if I didn’t want to get up that day, I didn’t force myself to leave bed. Played some guitar, and wrote music. Let myself cry whenever I felt the need to.

Liam rented a cabin up in Wales, isolated himself for the month; we didn’t hear anything from him during that time. I got really worried. He disconnected his phone, didn’t read or watch or listen to anything that mentioned Harry or One Direction for that month, and sat in silence. When he came back, he had notebooks full of lyrics. We set some of his lyrics to my music, and recorded a few songs.

Zayn went home, and said that for the first two weeks all he could do was re-watch every video he could find of Harry; didn’t know why he did it, but just couldn’t stop. Since he was the closest to the company, he was asked to go and pick up Harry’s stuff. He found stacks of papers that he pieced together as Harry’s journal, found some songs Harry wrote, accessed his phone and gave each of us a copy of everything that was on it. Out of all of us, I think he had the least time to grieve. A lot of responsibility fell to him, and Liam and I have apologized for burdening him with it all; we really shouldn’t have been separated.

The aftermath caused a little strife between him and Perrie, and it’s perfectly understandable. Caring for someone who is grieving is exhausting, and Perrie needed to look out for her own mental health. She needed a break from Zayn’s mood swings, and trust me when I say that they can be frightening, and none of us hold anything against her for spending time with her family in France for the week. She and Zayn are still going, and are closer than ever. 

When we saw Louis again, we couldn’t believe our eyes. He looked a wreck, as if Harry’s death had just happened. We tried to talk with him about his month, but he just remained silent. It was eerie, how much he changed and how much further away from us he drifted.

_What happened with Louis?_

From what we know, Louis blamed himself really harshly. We all did, thinking that if we could have just reached out and grabbed his hand, he may not have made it outside. Louis kept saying, he could have done it, that he was so close. But, he told me, he didn’t because he and Harry began arguing in the elevator. After the accident, he couldn’t believe that he had let his anger control him like that. At the funeral, he couldn’t stop crying. Management had tried to make him remain more stoic, which I think caused him to feel sicker. We also requested a closed coffin; we didn’t trust ourselves to look at him.

It was devastating, seeing one friend die and another one deteriorate in front of us. Louis just wasn’t the same. I remember going to his room one night, it was my turn to visit him and make sure he was okay, and he was just sitting in front of his laptop, replaying our video diaries from X Factor. He kept replaying a segment from week 9, watching his eighteen year old self say, “and I’d marry you, Harry.” I don’t think he even knew I was in the room, he just kept replaying that segment.

They brought Eleanor back in hopes that she could calm him down, and it worked for a while, but she would come to us in tears after each visit. You know, Harry also loved Eleanor in his own way; they weren’t great friends, there was some jealousy that flared between them every so often, but they still had a certain bond. Louis became more mercurial around others, he would even try to start fights with anyone; even us, when we tried to tell him to stop. He was out of control.  We even had to fight management on Eleanor’s behalf to allow her and Louis to separate. He couldn’t handle being around her; none of us have anything against her, it was…Harry kept Louis grounded, and without him Louis didn’t have someone to hold onto. We couldn’t reach him, not in the way Harry did, so…we had to watch as he tore himself further away.

 

_We heard that he had other…unorthodox coping methods._

You’re talking about the drugs, yea?

 

_Um…if you don’t mind my asking about it, yes._

He did use, we caught him, but he never used before Harry died. God, that sounds terrible either way. I think, the worst part is, we all knew, but we couldn’t help him. We had to deal with our own grief first, we were essentially quarantined from one another, it was all a mess.

We all had a hard time; Harry was close to each of us, and we couldn’t accept that we’d never see him again. He has that kind of magnetism that makes you want to feel close to him. You could tell him anything. Seeing his face light up in a smile makes your whole day. We all wanted to do everything we could to keep him smiling. He was happiest when we were happiest, so it kept us all together and strong. Without him, we felt empty.  

I think Louis felt the worst of it, seeing how close he and Harry were. They were so strong together, bonded immediately and held on fast. They became a hybrid, like two halves of a heart. Added to how he was driving away everyone around him, he, well, he needed something. I really don’t know how to describe it.

I also…we couldn’t handle being around him for long. We were on our way to recovering, but Louis wasn’t, and we couldn’t risk being dragged back down that grief we had just managed to escape. We tried to get him to see a therapist, but it just didn’t work. I don’t think Louis wanted to get better, and that was the problem. So, we used our final option; leave him to recover on his own. That was our mistake.

 

_How did you find Louis?_

We knew it was a 'danger night,' as we called it; it was supposed to be Harry's birthday. We all promised to check in with Louis each hour, the best we could do with our own schedules, and Louis was very good about checking in and calling each of us every time we tried to find him. Liam started calling us frantically at around midnight, saying he couldn’t reach Louis and that no one responded when he tried to enter Louis’s flat.

We searched around town for an hour, scoured websites for any mention of seeing him, without luck. We called his family, Eleanor, even our managers, but all that did was make them all panic. Then, one of us had the idea to drive to the bungalow; the one Harry’s stepdad owned. Louis had a spare key, and he and Harry would often go there when they had time off. When we saw Louis’s car parked in the drive, we almost cried in relief. Then we found the door was locked, as were the windows; we broke the door to get in.

Zayn found him lying completely still on the bed, we all thought he was dead already when we first saw him. His last bottle of painkillers was on the floor beside him, a few pills scattered around. I called emergency while Liam and Zayn began shaking and slapping him in hopes of waking him up.

When I came back, Louis was conscious, with his head resting on Zayn’s lap. Liam was holding his hand, staring on in horror. His lips were moving rapidly, and in between his quick and shallow breaths I heard him repeating “I’m sorry” and his gaze darting between Liam, Zayn, and people I guess he imagined were standing over him.

I went over, leaned down until I was sure he could see me. “Louis. What happened?” I asked. I needed to know.

“Took a pill every time it started to hurt. Hurts so much.” We looked around at the pills, at the glass of what we hoped was water on the table.

“’m scared.” We could barely hear him, almost thought it was just his breath.

Zayn kept tracing his fingers down Louis’s face, begging Louis, “hold on, just hold on,”

Liam and I were frozen. We just…knew that we couldn’t help him anymore. Liam squeezed Louis’s hand and took a shaky breath.

“Louis, don’t be. You’re going home. To Harry.” he whispered, and Louis suddenly laughed. Well, we thought it was a laugh; we hadn't heard him laugh in a long time, so we may have been confusing it.

“Yeah. I’ll say I’m sorry. Should’ve been there for him, through everything. D’you think he’ll forgive me?” Louis asked.

I choked out, barely able to speak, “Louis, Harry would forgive the mosquito that gives him malaria. He’ll welcome you with his full-body hug, whispering how much he missed you.”

Zayn gently wiped away some of the tears that were sliding down Louis’s temple. We stared at each other, knowing that Louis wouldn’t wait for the ambulance.

He became irresponsive soon afterwards, and we watched his chest rise and fall and then…nothing. When the ambulance arrived, I think they were more there for us three than for Louis.

 

_How did you, Liam, and Zayn cope with Louis’s death?_

The hardest part of coping was that Louis’s death occurred before we had completely recovered from Harry’s death but not close enough to Harry’s death for us to be able to mourn them both together. In any case, we recovered from it better; we stayed together, took all the time off that we needed, and promised ourselves that we wouldn’t follow Louis and Harry.

And, we did what we knew was the correct thing to do in order to honor their memories: end One Direction.

We had lost more than half of our band – Liam, Zayn, and I could probably sing at only a fraction of our capacity because Louis and Harry weren’t there to carry us. You know, after Harry’s death, the label tried to get us to redo some of the songs with us taking over Harry’s parts. We couldn’t do it, and Louis would even break down in the middle of rehearsals when one of us tried to sing Harry’s part.

Since we were put together in a band, we developed almost like a single unit; without one essential part, it was like we were severely debilitated. Without two parts, we decided we didn’t want to continue without them. 

 

_Now, a year later, how do you feel about Louis and Harry?_

Honestly? I’m relieved for them; they’re safe and together, wherever they are.

_You’re…relieved?_

Yes. Look at the way they were; look at the love they had for each other. To me, their love was the closest we would ever see of the spiritual love that Plato described; the one that we can never truly see in our physical world. We almost never see that, especially in this cynical age, so people were trying to tear them apart just to prove themselves right.

I believe that a love as consummate as theirs was too good for this world. Their happiness wasn’t safe here. Now, wherever they are, they are free. And that is a source of relief. I hate that their freedom cost them so much.

 

_Their love?_

We all loved each other, I can attest for that, but Louis and Harry became something else. They bonded the fastest, became the closest. It almost scared the three of us, how intense they were, but it was breathtaking to watch. We knew what was happening months before they chose to tell us, supported them all the way, and worried for them so much as they were forced further and further apart.

 

_What do you think happened to their love?_

If you’re talking about their supposed distance from each other during Harry’s final months, that’s not an indicator of their love at all. The fact is, they started feeling more and more aware of all of the cameras focused on them. I think they only started feeling self-conscious when they became convinced that the people behind the cameras would hate them and ruin them. I mean, you even saw it during their time; they started glancing at the cameras before they got close to each other. They were tense, their expressions became strained as they contemplated strangers’ worst reaction to seeing them touch. They became afraid to express how much they loved each other.

We tried to help, especially by being extra affectionate to them whenever they couldn’t touch each other. You saw all of our petting, our hugs, and that stuff; we tried to act as surrogates. Especially after Harry’s death, we constantly kept at least a hand on Louis at all times; it seems selfish now, trying to tether him to us that way, but we kept holding on in hopes that…we would be enough to keep him here.

 

_So Louis and Harry…?_

Do you still need me to say it? It’s obvious. It always has been. I will say it, though, because now they can’t. Larry Stylinson is…was…real.  Louis and Harry ar—were in love. They have been since they met on X Factor.  All those moments you saw of them, they were signs of their relationship. Every touch, every message, every hint. Every day we saw them, they defied all odds and kept falling deeper in love. Despite everything that was thrown at them, the fame, the girlfriends, the pressure to fit into marketable packages, they held on.

Seeing them made me believe in the old legend of soulmates; two people moving as one, becoming an entity so strong that they could stand up to gods.

 

_Were they always gay?_

We don’t know that. I think that in Louis and Harry’s case, as it is in many others’ case, they were attracted to people, not to gender. Perhaps they thought they were straight before they met each other, but after meeting and feeling that connection, they fell so thoroughly, so deeply, in love.

Maybe they weren’t strictly gay; they felt that their attraction was so special that it was solely between them and didn’t extend to other guys. Falling in love with one person doesn’t make you attracted to the whole gender; I think it’s much more of an individual basis. Because heterosexuality was considered “normal” for them growing up, I think that they always thought of themselves as heterosexual before meeting each other.

_Do you think they could have come out on their own?_

With the way things were, it wouldn’t have been for many years. That’s for sure. They wanted to, of course, and management kept saying “when the fame dies down.” They agreed because we believed that our stint as a boy band would be short and we will either progress our music to more genres, gaining a wider and more accepting fanbase, or we would fade away. We got more popular, but we didn’t fade. I worried a lot for them; every day, they seemed closer to their breaking point. Don’t get me wrong, they loved life and meeting their fans, meeting people’s lives they’ve changed, meeting other people who would change their lives, but…that kind of elation and love of life isn’t enough when you have someone that you love the most and you want to show the whole world. They wanted to, they’ve always wanted to, but as the fame – and of course, the money – began opening doors, they were forced further and further back.

 

_In what ways do you think the fame had a role in changing things?_

I don’t think any of us imagined the success we would have; honestly, we thought that we would only have a year, maybe two, of fun and then it would all quiet down. In pop music, every act has its rise and fall. We just didn’t believe that we would last that long. I think that was definitely one issue, though. The extension of our fame and our relevance caused our managers to keep us moving and pleasing. That’s when the pressure started, the insidious message that the people watching their love would hate them, and that’s when they started breaking.

 

_What about the alleged girlfriends?_

The girls were very understanding, they knew from the moment they saw the contract what was happening and why they were there. Many of them remained close friends with them after their contracts were done. They didn’t start fights or make outrageous demands, some of them had their own agendas in agreeing to the play, and we got along very well.

 

_What life do you imagine they would have had?_

Whatever life they wanted. I think that even back in X Factor, Louis said that he would marry Harry with certainty. While we were going through their phones, we noticed that in them there were hundreds of pictures of wedding cakes, reception halls, decorations, rings, the works.

From what we gathered, they were going to have a small, private wedding at the chapel a few blocks away from Boot Camp – where it all began. They wanted to ask their friends, Matt, Rebecca, Ed, Belle Amie, Little Mix, among others, to perform at their reception. Of course they were also invited to the wedding. They wanted to honeymoon in Norway for skiing, and then go to Mauritania for surfing.

They loved kids, and we – Zayn, Liam, and I – would always joke about how domestic they looked when posing for photographs with our younger fans. They would have been wonderful parents, probably spoiling their kids every chance they got; taking them around the world, Louis would have to stop Harry from buying their kids anything they so much as glanced at. Now that I think about it, we may have had to tell them to stop adopting, because I’m sure they would have wanted to name each of their friends as a godparent.

They’d stroll down the same path, hands gently entwined, every day for eighty or more years. Everyone who passed them would know it was them, and stare in awe every time. 

_Do you wish they could still be here?_

Of course I do, but there’s one thing that I wish for more. I only wish…they were here to say all of this themselves. They would have done it smiling brightly enough to light up the whole universe.

 

_Here, Mr. Horan begins crying uncontrollably. After multiple attempts to compose himself and repeated apologies, to which the interviewer insists that there is no reason to apologize, they decide to end the interview._


End file.
